In Essentials, Unity

We have a son who is a returned missionary and is now in that phase of life where at some point he will find that special someone that he will take to the temple and be sealed to for time and for all eternity.  We've had lots of discussions over the few months that he has been home about dating and relationships and love and how you know when you have "found her."  It has been a fun time for me as I recall the days when Jerry and I were dating and how our relationship grew and deepened until we realized that we wanted to be with each other forever.

As we started out this adventure of marriage together we talked about the fact that as long as we could always be in agreement on the things that really matter in life, we would not let the little differences between us pull us apart.  We came upon a quote that has been attributed to St. Augustine that goes like this:

"In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; and in all things, charity."

It really is profound when you think about it.  Essentials in our marriage include keeping God's commandments and keeping our temple covenants.  When we have questions about things in our marriage and family life we always turn to the scriptures and the words of the prophets first.  Once we have found out what they have to say about the topic it is much easier to be unified. 

President Ezra Taft Benson said in the Ensign July 1992 (Salvation - A Family Affair):

"A husband and wife must attain righteous unity and oneness in their goals, desires and actions"

We have found that many of the things that cause contention between husbands and wives on a daily basis are really nonessentials.  We are all individuals; we do things differently, we see things differently; we have different opinions.  We need to celebrate those differences.  We need to be willing to listen to another's point of view.  We need to be forgiving when those differences cause us challenges or even pain and sadness.  And we need to realize that some things are so "nonessential" that they are really not worth taking any chance of damaging our relationship over.  We need to be careful not to let "nonessentials" slip into the category of "essentials."  When this happens, the unity in our marriage begins to disintegrate.  We find ourselves getting annoyed and frustrated with our spouse more often.  When this happens to me, realizing what I am doing is the first step to fixing the problem.  Remembering what things in life and in our marriage are truly "essential" helps shift my mind from those little "nonessentials" that are bothering me so much.

Richard G. Scott said in his General Conference address in Oct. 1996:

"Marriage allows [our] different characteristics to come together in oneness - in unity - to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren.  For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed.  Their efforts interlock and are complementary.  Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman.  When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one - to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally.  That is the plan."

And of course, when we have charity towards our spouse at all times, we see him or her through the Lord's eyes.  We see him or her as a child of God who is stretching and growing and trying and failing, then trying again.  The Lord continues to love us unconditionally despite our weakness; we can do the same for each other.